Borderline-Selbsthilfe

Breakups always hurt. But the separation after a long relationship is particularly painful. Despite the obvious warning signs over the years, the ending comes as a surprise to many. We often break up after 20 years of relationship. But why? And how can love be processed?

Separation after a long relationship: why is it so difficult?
 
Whether you've been together for two months, two years, or 20 years, everyone goes through the same breakup phases. We all feel in love, sad and lonely. The difference is in the intensity of the emotion.
 
Loneliness hits with extraordinary force, especially in a long-term relationship. Anyone who sees their partner every day for years can suddenly find being alone unbearable. Therefore, the risk of depression after a breakup is particularly high if you have been together for a long time. Emotional stress is often reflected in physical symptoms such as loss of appetite, stomach upset and headaches.
 
Also, self-esteem suffers even more when you break up after a long relationship. You experience rejection from the person who knows you best and with whom you have spent years or even decades of your life. It's especially painful when a broken heart or cheating is the reason the relationship ended.

Long relationships create strong bonds over the years. When challenges and crises arise, we work together to gradually overcome them. A sense of security comes from a deep emotional connection. A feeling that feeds on the assumption that everything will always go on like this, maybe until the end of life.
 
Ending a relationship means losing a solid livelihood. Affected people feel very disoriented and anxious about the future. Who am I without a partner? can you be happy again These are the questions you inevitably ask yourself when you are in a long relationship. Anyone who's been through a breakup knows there's moving forward. But after 10, 20, 30 years of dating life without a partner becomes unimaginable. Because for a long time people only thought in the category “we”. Being alone sometimes causes intense anxiety and fear.
 
Beyond that, we have to deal with very real things. After years of being together, you are usually so connected that you have to clarify questions about the shared home and finances. Who will move? What happens to the debt? How is community property divided? If you have children and are looking for a divorce, it can be even more difficult and stressful.
 
So, breaking up after a long relationship is not just an emotional issue, it also requires real effort from a practical point of view. When you decide to break up with your partner, you can't just pack up and leave. Leaving a long partnership requires a lot of communication and organization.

Sudden breakup after a long relationship? Warning signs show up early

When a long-term relationship comes to an end, it often happens out of the blue for either partner. As a rule, the separation becomes apparent long beforehand. The relationship begins completely unnoticed, until at some point it is irrevocably broken.

It is not uncommon for the foundation stone for the separation to be laid years in advance - this can be a fundamental conflict that is not resolved and thus causes growing dissatisfaction over time. This is noticeable either through frequent quarrels or through a lack of communication. Everyone knows them: the couples in the restaurant who remain silent the whole evening because they have nothing more to say to each other. The relationship is sometimes only maintained out of convenience, fear of being alone, or because of emotional dependency.

Unhappy couples limit their communication more and more to organizational issues. Tenderness decreases, indifference and lack of love in dealing with each other increase. This condition can last so long that it gradually develops into the status quo. It is becoming normal not to snuggle up to each other when falling asleep, not to kiss for weeks and to devalue or even insult your partner in an argument. At some point, the emotional distance is so great that it can no longer be overcome.

A separation finally occurs when the level of suffering due to unmet needs is too great and one has given up hope of improvement. In this phase of the relationship, the desire for intimacy is often satisfied in emotional or physical affairs. Unconsciously, the affair can be used to get out of the relationship completely.

Separated for the first time in 20 years, why?
 
Separation or divorce can happen at any point in a relationship. Statistically, however, the separation is most likely at two points: For many couples who survive "7 years", the separation is over after 20 years at the latest. This is the case in almost a third of all divorces.
 
If you look at the average age at marriage in this country, it quickly becomes clear why marriages fail after 20 years. In the early to mid-1990s, women and men were in their late 20s and early 30s at the time of marriage. The couples who have since divorced are in their late 40s and early 50s respectively. Divorce therefore comes at a time of great change for many. Both men and women can experience a midlife crisis when they feel like they've missed something in life or are falling short in a relationship.
 
In addition to new (dangerous) hobbies and professional reorientations, fears of old age and desires for self-development can also be expressed through new partners. But it doesn't necessarily have to end in a banal affair. As middle age approaches, perhaps for the first time in a long time, it's time to delve deep into your life and your unfulfilled desires. At the end of the contemplation process, you may find that you don't want to spend the last third of your life with your partner.
How do you deal with a breakup after a long relationship? Anyone who decides to separate after a long-term partnership or marriage usually thinks about it for a long time and closes the relationship emotionally. For those who have been unhappy, a breakup can feel like redemption. But for those who have been abandoned, the process of processing is yet to come. Even if the end of the relationship is decided together, both have to deal with the separation equally and redesign their lives.
 
These tips can support the treatment process.

• Talk to your family and friends about how you are feeling. Social contacts not only make you feel less lonely, but can also help to process the separation.
• Accept negative emotions like sadness, fear, and anger. If you suppress them, you won't be able to handle the breakup.
• See the breakup as a chance to focus on yourself and grow even more. Find a new hobby, get an education, go on a language trip, whatever you want to do.
• A long relationship can leave you feeling disoriented. You can prevent this by setting new goals and planning for the future.
• If depressive feelings get the better of you, you should seek psychotherapy to help you process the breakup.

New Relationships After a Long Marriage: Will It Work?
 
According to Pararship research, the lovesickness continued for about a year after the breakup. After a long relationship, the person concerned usually suffers longer from the separation if they still have feelings for their ex-partner. In any case, you should take enough time to mourn your old love. This is the only way to make a fresh start after a breakup.
 
It can happen that you fall in love again after a long relationship, but a new love stands in your way. Skipping the breakup phase and moving from one relationship to the next robs you of the opportunity to reflect on why you made mistakes or failed. Then there is a great danger that the same problems from the old relationship will destroy the new relationship or that the partner will unknowingly be used as a distraction to avoid unpleasant emotions. New partnerships only last if they are formed without emotional strain. As soon as you no longer long for your ex-partner, the separation after a long relationship is over and the opportunity for a new love is ripe.