Learning to argue properly: misunderstandable communication as the most common cause

Arguing rarely triggers good feelings. However, an argument does not have to be negative. If you pay attention to a few things when arguing, you can even strengthen the relationship.

Arguing is no fun for anyone. Nevertheless, it is important to vent your thoughts and feelings from time to time. Not infrequently, this leads to a heated discussion or even ends in an argument if the other person doesn't like it or feels attacked. The good news is that you can learn to argue properly. A constructive approach is not only more goal-oriented, but also helpful in finding compromises. Here you can learn what to look for when arguing and why not only couples benefit from it.Even though many couples dream of a conflict-free relationship, this wish often remains unfulfilled. About every third marriage is divorced after 25 years. This was determined by the Federal Statistical Office. In 2021, there will be - on average after 15 years of marriage - about 150,000 couples who get divorced.

Even small disagreements in a relationship can quickly degenerate into an argument. According to a survey by the dating portal Elite Partner, the following everyday topics are the most frequent cause of quarrels between lovers.

• a different perception of cleanliness and order
• an unfair distribution of tasks in the household
• jealousy

Many people find arguments with their partner particularly stressful. The triggers vary from dispute to dispute, but the most common cause is misunderstandable communication.

Learning to argue correctly: Many discussions end in hurtful behaviour.

Every sentence and every action contains several messages. In addition to the purely factual information, the relationship level is also communicated unconsciously. While one person may mean one thing, the other person may mean exactly the other. And once the argument has flared up, many people follow the same pattern.

Typically, there are three phases: In the first phase, the initially factual exchange suddenly turns into personally hurtful behaviour (phase 2), and then in the third phase it escalates to cause the greatest possible damage.

• Finding out what the dispute is really about: Only those who recognise what is causing the disagreement can avoid the dispute escalating.
•     Openness: Many arguments in the partnership are about unfulfilled needs. Talking honestly about these feelings and expressing the desire for care, comfort or security prevents frustration.
•     Willingness to compromise: In every relationship, no matter how happy it may be, there is always an argument. However, if you actively look for compromises, you will steer the conversation back in a positive direction.
•     Avoid insoluble conflicts: Fundamental disagreements and differences are difficult to overcome. In the case of different character traits and preferences, most couples therefore have no choice but to accept them.
•     Strengthen partnership: A good relationship is not about agreeing on every point. Happy couples focus on the common goal and having a good time together.

The science magazine Quarks.de says: What happens during the argument is not so important. Rather, quarrelling couples should look afterwards at what the argument was actually about and what a possible solution might look like. Constructive communication of criticism or dissatisfaction can also be helpful. In this way, differences of opinion can be better negotiated instead of being exhausted in accusations. The longer couples are together, the more important it is that they keep talking to each other and sharing what is important to them. Even if this brings arguments from time to time.

By: Laura Knops