Mother & Child
Borderline separation with
If you end a relationship with a borderline and they have children together, this can lead to additional problems. In general, it is advisable to seek professional help. Unfortunately, this is not done all too often, which often leads to the child's welfare being damaged. The problem lies in the fact that it usually does not work to find mutually agreeable regulations that take the best interests of the child into account. This is already difficult for "normal" couples and almost impossible for borderline couples. In some cases it can therefore happen that the children are used as a "weapon" or as leverage. Again, this is NOT the norm, but if this happens to you, here are some tips:
Why is my partner suddenly acting like this?
Well, for a borderliner, a breakup can be marked by boundless anger, hatred, and the desire to take revenge for being abandoned. And unfortunately, children are exactly the right tool to do everything you want to your "healthy" partner: You can take the child away from him, you can put pressure on the child until he no longer wants to go to the other partner and you can incite the child against the partner.
The well-being of the child, i.e. the well-being of the child, is of course completely ignored in such behavior, it becomes the tool of the abandoned one, and it will probably suffer psychological damage from it.
How do I arrange custody?
The normal rule in our country is that both parents are jointly responsible for the child. This means that important decisions, such as school matters, require mutual consent. In addition, the aim of joint custody is to ensure that both parents also have to look after the child. In addition, children should spend enough time with the person who no longer lives in the home with the child. Normally this is achieved by the child being with the other parent at least two weekends a month and sometimes spending holidays with him/her
In order for all of this to work as it should, it is necessary for both parents to make compromises, for the good of the child they sometimes have to sit down at a table and discuss some decisions.
That's what the law says, that's how it usually works, but not necessarily with borderliners!
We have already described above that the separation can trigger hatred and anger and feelings of revenge for a borderliner. If so, how can the two parents agree on the upbringing of the child? Right: not at all!
It will happen again and again that the child will be used as a means of pressure, that the wishes of the "healthy" person will be rejected simply because he has left. Just to take revenge, just to hurt him. In such cases, joint custody turns out to be a dead end, both for the "healthy" and for the child. The child is put under pressure when it wants to see the other parent, and the other parent is always badmouthed, which children will eventually believe. For the "healthy" parent, joint custody means that he will always have trouble seeing his child, that he will have to endure constant verbal abuse, and that he will probably lose his child sooner or later.
Therefore: Apply for sole custody and the
right of residence!
Although many will now cry out: the child needs both parents, how can one take the child away from the father/mother, etc. But this is exactly what is achieved by transferring custody to the "healthy" parent: the child continues to see both parents, can live with both and can also develop healthily and develop his own view of both parents. The healthy parent is the only one of the two parents who can take care of it.
If the child lives with the "borderline" parent, sooner or later it will probably no longer be allowed/"want" to see the other parent, it is constantly brought into conflicts of conscience and will probably adopt the shifted attitude towards life of the sick father/mother . That can not be in the interest of the child!
So, with the help of a lawyer, file an application for sole custody and for the right of residence. Incidentally, it should be expected that an amicable agreement would also work, but that is pretty much out of the question in such a case.
Unfortunately, it must be said that many courts today still take the view, so to speak by default, that children belong to the mother, even if she has a mental disorder or is less suitable for childrearing than the father. Fathers usually have no chance of being awarded sole custody of a child. Unless they have really solid evidence that the mother is unfit to raise the child.
Such evidence may include alcohol addiction, abuse, prostitution, etc. And even then, getting custody is hard enough.